During the Gulf Tour I receive the number of letters, here is one of them, I'm a non muslim working in Kuwait for few years and I've been very close to accepting Islam as I was impressed by a very pious muslim colleague and wants to marry him so I want to learn more about Islam
The man I like is a Pakistani brother and to know his culture I got close to another muslim female colleague who is married to a Pakistani family, I'm studying about Islam and the Quran where the rights of a wife are so impressive and full of equity, but when I see my female friend's life she is asked to do so much work for her in laws as forced by her husband to take care her mother in law and the mother in law torture her a lot by creating fights between the couple also the sister in laws are expecting her to work like a maid all the time, her husband is very strict and I see a lot of injustice where he threatens her of leaving her if she doesn't listen and do what in laws want
If this is Islam then I'm confuse about becoming a muslim, what's your advice ?
This is actually not the first time I got a question like this one bunch of people who ask me question about the rights of women particularly having to do with in laws
It's a complicated subject but I wanna lay down a couple of basic things for everybody to understand and the sister who ask the question, first of all thank you for your question because it's not just you I think it's others can take benefits Insha Allahu ta'ala
The first thing is in Islam every relationship we have comes with rights and responsibility so as a man for instance, I owe certain obligations to my wife just like she owes me certain obligation and I also owe obligations to my parents just like they owe me, I have certain rights today that I have over them
Now the principle is that you cannot allow anyone relationship's rights to do injustice over anybody else's rights
How do you balance all of this together ? Specifically we're talking about a husband, wife and in laws
For me as a son, I owe my parents' obedience, I owe them respect, I owe them kindness, I owe them anything they ask really unless it's outside of default of Islam or they asking me to disobey Allah, i really don't, should not have any objection of obeying them in every matters however my wife owes them respects, owes them you know common courtesy but does not owes them obedience and me expecting from my wife to serve my parents, it's actually an injustice on my wife
She host her own parent service, she has parents of her own, these are not her parents, these are your parents
As a matter of a fact, the ties of blood are different from the ties of marriage so to expect from the wife to serve your parents as a husband
It's actually a form of injustice, and it's not something Islamicly allowed. Some people say, well you have to obey your husband no matter what he says, that's not entirely true either.
You don't obey any human being with that disclamer no matter what they say
I can't even obey my parents no matter what they say, if my dad was telling me to take a student loan with interest, I wouldn't take it, I can't, it's disobedience to Allah, I'm not gonna do it, as a matter of fact sometimes you have to even disobedience your parents, out of respect if they are being unreasonable
it has to happen sometimes, you know your father asks you to take a loan even it's not an interest based loan
or he's tried to ask you to go into a business which you know it's going to sink, you absolutely don't, you know guarantee it's not gonna fly, but He wants you to take all your life's saving and put them in that business, you're not listening to your Dad in that situation, it's not disobedience to your father, that's not how that works
As a matter of fact, our obedience to our parents is within the round of reasons and of course the thing that even when we disobey them you know, we don't disobey them at all ever outside the bounds of respect and of course even if things are difficult on us we should still obey them even if they're difficult on us but one day you know, when there's something completely unreasonable, or gonna put others in difficulty.
The example I just give you for instance, if I ruin all of my savings or all of my assets in some business that they want me to get into that I know won't work, then I want just be doing something they wanted me to do
I'll be putting my children in difficulty, I'll be putting my wife in difficulty, I'll be putting other people that depend on me in difficulty
I can't do that, they can do whatever they want with me but they cannot allow me to do injustice to anybody else, it's not how it works
Then there are family who force the husband to have one account right and the parents are co-signer on the account and the wife gets like 20 hour bill every week or something, that's not how it works either, you cannot do that
You can have your wife you married her, you took her from her father to become her wali and you owe her now the same responsibility her father used to owe her and now treat her like a second class citizen inside the house or maid to your parents or to your sisters or somebody else, this is all absolutely absurd ridiculous and this is one of the thing you and I are gonna be asked about on the Judgement day
On the other hand however there's the other extreme, on the one extreme you have you know daughter in laws being turned to maid which is absolutely absurd and ridiculous, unacceptable in Islam
And on the other hand, you have people that are wives or even husbands that are absolutely spiteful of their in laws and want nothing to do with them
I don't wanna see their face, I don't want them coming over, I don't wanna go to your mother's house, i don't wanna you talk to her ever, I hate her, I can't stand her etc etc
this overly extreme distance from your husband's family, you know, this is also an extreme, this is form of injustice too. those are his parents, they have rights over him, they should be able to see their grandkids, they should be able to come over and not worry about having a fight you know
are you like visibly looking upset at their presence, this is injustice now on your part because out of love of your husband, at the very least you should be showing courtesy to his family, courtesy and respect, that's all but he cannot force this things on you, this should come from you just these are things that by the way just to take the shocker away from all of this, these are attitudes that every muslim owes every other muslim by the way
What to speak of people that brought together by family, you know we're supposed to be the best we can be towards family member, yes this complication happen and especially joint family type situation which are certainly complicated situation and you know among other culture and DC's culture in particular this is something we emphasize like everybody living under one roof
And you know the finance being control by parents and you know the daughter having to do this and that in order to do be a good wife and put up with a lot of this stuff, this stuff doesn't work for a lot of families and if it doesn't work, you know the sisters I'm not asking you to break marriages or something like that, it certainly wants a conversation, because it's not islamic, even if you're doing it as a family decision, don't hide behind the fact that this is what Islam wants
It's not what Islam wants, it's what your family wants that's what you have to come to certain terms as a family
Allah Azza wa Jalla said "tsumma Latus alunna yaumaidzin 'anin na'im (QS.At-takatsur:8) , you're going to be asked all of good blessings you enjoyed and the wife I have, the children I have, the parents I have, you know all of these blessings I enjoy and I better do right by them so I pray that this you know hope alleviate at least some of the concern that this has to do with Islam, it really doesn't
It has to do with cultural practices and treatment of women in certain ways
That really the Quran, the book of Allah, does not justified, the Sunnah of the prophet pbuh absolutely does not justified
Barokallaahu lii wa lakum wassalamu'alaykum warohmatullahi wa barokatuhu
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